I’m just suddenly reminded of my dad and how, while the last thing I ever said to him was that I loved him, I never told him that I forgave him for all those stupid things he did when I was growing up.
I didn’t ever tell him that I was so fucking happy that we actually had a real relationship and it wasn’t just him calling me every few days and me answering because he paid my phone bill and I felt like I had to.
Just… I had so many things I wish I would have said, and of course didn’t realize it until he was gone and I couldn’t.
I’d be lying if I said I didn’t still talk to him; well, realistically, I talk to myself and pretend like he can hear me. I’ve told him all of this before, but it still just hits me really hard some days that it’s been over two years since I’ve heard his voice and his big, booming laugh and saw his goofy-ass smile.
Shit is just kinda hard right now, and I guess there’s part of me that’s always going to be that little girl who trusted that her daddy would always be there to kiss it better and make everything alright.
I didn’t cry on May 4th, so I guess I’m doing it now.
I read something really emotional about the way it feels to leave somebody or watch them go and not know if you’ll ever see them again, and I’m suddenly in tears and having a lot of feelings about a lot of things.
Ugh. I just want to call Katy and cry about how sad I am, but my reason for being sad is really stupid and I don’t want to bug her when I know she has more important shit to do than deal with me.
sometimes i imagine
walking out of your life for good
and i wonder what it says about me
that i have not left yet.
because i know that i would not miss you,
that once the adrenaline had gone
and the night had fallen fully,
i would not weep your name into my pillow.
sometimes i dream about leaving you,
but mostly i wish i loved you enough to miss you.